Post by sonofadot on Dec 23, 2012 14:05:14 GMT -5
A Very Bottle-Crew Christmas
Colin Dotson
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the crew
Not one creature was stirring, not even a Jew.
Each wish list was hung on its steam page with care,
In hopes that Andrificus soon would be there.
The streamers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of marathons danced in their heads.
And I, in my pink wig, lying down, counting sheep,
Had just hunkered down for a nice winter's sleep.
When from inside the house I heard a great “CRASH”,
I threw off my covers and was up in a flash.
I put on some undies, pants and a shirt,
And crept out of my bedroom, ever alert.
My living room was covered with small shards of glass,
And there in the middle stood Santa's fat ass.
He looked rather Angry, his face was bright red,
And I was pretty sure I was soon to be dead.
“Who the hell has their fireplace blocked Christmas eve?!
A fucking philistine that's who! I ought to just leave!
But I came through window like some common thief,
If you think you're getting presents you're beyond disbelief.”
“But Santa,” I stuttered “This is Texas you see.”
The forecast tonight is for a high of 93.
We've no need for fires so we closed up the flue,
We hadn't expected a visit from you.
Santa gave a great scowl and flipped me the bird.
He climbed back out the window (looking rather absurd).
I ran out onto the lawn and looked up to the sky,
What I saw there convinced me I was certainly high.
Not 8 reindeer had he, but eight little boys.
They were pulling his sleigh full of wonderful toys.
(I knew he was a pedo, it's finally come to light).
He called them by name as he sped through the night.
“On Tingle, on Lucas, on Alex, on Kerstern,
On Phillipa, on Kevin, on Derek and Terstern!
Fly faster before you get a whip to the face!
Lets get the fuck out of this god forsaken place!”
“This guys is a dick, a philistine and a Jew,
He gets nothing for Christmas, I bid him adieu.”
And I heard him exclaim, as he took of his hat,
“Fuck Christmas, I'm done, ain't nobody got time for that!”
Colin Dotson
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the crew
Not one creature was stirring, not even a Jew.
Each wish list was hung on its steam page with care,
In hopes that Andrificus soon would be there.
The streamers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of marathons danced in their heads.
And I, in my pink wig, lying down, counting sheep,
Had just hunkered down for a nice winter's sleep.
When from inside the house I heard a great “CRASH”,
I threw off my covers and was up in a flash.
I put on some undies, pants and a shirt,
And crept out of my bedroom, ever alert.
My living room was covered with small shards of glass,
And there in the middle stood Santa's fat ass.
He looked rather Angry, his face was bright red,
And I was pretty sure I was soon to be dead.
“Who the hell has their fireplace blocked Christmas eve?!
A fucking philistine that's who! I ought to just leave!
But I came through window like some common thief,
If you think you're getting presents you're beyond disbelief.”
“But Santa,” I stuttered “This is Texas you see.”
The forecast tonight is for a high of 93.
We've no need for fires so we closed up the flue,
We hadn't expected a visit from you.
Santa gave a great scowl and flipped me the bird.
He climbed back out the window (looking rather absurd).
I ran out onto the lawn and looked up to the sky,
What I saw there convinced me I was certainly high.
Not 8 reindeer had he, but eight little boys.
They were pulling his sleigh full of wonderful toys.
(I knew he was a pedo, it's finally come to light).
He called them by name as he sped through the night.
“On Tingle, on Lucas, on Alex, on Kerstern,
On Phillipa, on Kevin, on Derek and Terstern!
Fly faster before you get a whip to the face!
Lets get the fuck out of this god forsaken place!”
“This guys is a dick, a philistine and a Jew,
He gets nothing for Christmas, I bid him adieu.”
And I heard him exclaim, as he took of his hat,
“Fuck Christmas, I'm done, ain't nobody got time for that!”